Odysseus Returns from Seven Year Long Journey, Kills Suitors Molesting his Home

Mihai Negrean

Jan 17, 2023 — 2 min read

a Greek Trireme (image from here)

The Trojan War hero, Odysseus, has recently returned to his home in Ithaca from his seven-year-long journey throughout the Mediterranean and killed the suitors who were eating up his household. When asked about his journey, the brave man said:

"So, I was just, you know, leavin' from Troy, when, you know, I had just a GREAT idea. So, there was, you know, a town and I decided to raid it. So, uh, that went well, and then, you know, I saw another island, and, uh, I decided to see what was up there, so I went there and tried stealin' some sheep from this Cyclops, but he got real mad, so he did some things, and then, you know, I got drunk, uh, and I, uh, remember next that I was, you know, on this lady Calypso's, uh, island. I stayed there seven years, and, uh, left, and then, I went to some guy's island then, uh, I got drunk, and got back home, somehow. Uh, then, you know, I saw my son, uh, and then I got drunk again, uh, and killed some people, uh, so that was cool."

From this story, our reporter gathered that Odysseus was drunk for most of his journey, and he had some adventures on the open sea. This must have been terribly exciting.

When asked about her opinion of her husband's excessive use of alcohol on his journey, Penelope said:

"Well, I think Odysseus is a great husband, compared to some of the other men I saw. He only got drunk three times on his journey, which is a record, I must say."

Telemachus tells us that the first thing his father did when he got back home was formulate a plan to defeat the suitors. Then, he carried out the plan perfectly. From what Telemachus says, Odysseus wasn't drunk when he fought the suitors. When confronted about this discrepancy, Odysseus said:

"Well, you know, it's possible that I wasn't completely honest with you guys, umm, well, I don't want everyone to know exactly what happened on my journey, let's just say that it involved going to some lady Circe's island and going to the Black River, but other than that, I'm not at liberty to tell you."

When our news reporter asked him why he wasn't allowed to tell the details of his journey, the cryptic hero just stared at him with a blank expression.

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